Striving for Excellence

"Excellence" is a popular word. It is a "buzz word". Churches, schools, businesses - everyone is "striving for excellence". The word is over-used and getting somewhat annoying. But, who am I kidding? I have bought into the whole "striving for excellence" thing. I want to be the best and I "strive for excellence" everyday. I want to be the prettiest and the smartest. I want to be the best.

Of, course this is nothing new for me. I have always been secretly competing with everyone around me, but my biggest competitor has always been myself. I have a ferocious, brutal inner critic who tells me I will never be pretty, I will never be smart, I will never be the best. So, I continue to "strive for excellence", knowing I will never be good enough. I will never win.

I have set up a reward system for myself. I have a virtual sticker chart in my head and this is how it works: If I get my endless list of daily tasks completed with perfection, I will reward myself with something I love to do. Sounds innocent enough, right? The problem is, I am a perfectionist and over-ambitous when it comes to my "to-do" list and the reward never comes. I have earned my reward exactly 0 times.

So, what happens if I cheat and give myself my reward even if I haven't earned it? I am plagued with a viciously knawing guilt.

I don't think I am the only one who does this. I am not the only one who feels this way. It is a "girl thing". Girls are mean and the people we lash out at the most are ourselves. We all have that bloodthirsty inner critic telling us we will never be good enough, we will never earn our reward.

Yesterday, a friend suggested I read Mark 12:29 and I Corinithins 13.

It is easy to love my neighbor. I don't have to work at loving everyone else. I am patient and kind with others. I am not easily angered towards others. I do not dishonor others. So, I am doing great, right?

I don't think so. I am looking at my reward system and my persuit of excellence and asking myself, "Do I love my neighbor as I love myself? Am I patient with myself? Am I being kind? Am I keeping no record of wrongs?" The answer is "no".

Today, I am going to homeschool my children, clean our home, run a few errands, teach violin lessons, cook a yummy dinner. I will chip away at my endless to-do list, but I won't get it all done. I may not have a good hair day. I may feel a little frumpy in my jeans. I may drive a dirty car around town. But this evening, when I all is said and done, I am going to spend some time, doing something I love.

Today I am throwing my sticker chart out the window - the window that needs to be cleaned, the blinds replaced, the drapes dropped off at the cleaners . . . . .

Mark 12:29 “The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. 30 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ 31 The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.”

I Corinthians 13:4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails.